Ever feel lost in your spouse?

Not the ‘I’m lost in your eyes’ kind of lost.  That’s ugly.  I mean the John Locke running through the jungle kind of lost**.

**If you don’t get this reference, then you probably don’t watch Lost and we can’t be friends.  Sorry.  But please continue reading nonetheless.

When we were first married, I have to admit, I was a bit lost.  I knew that Chris and I were all of a sudden supposed to be this ‘one flesh’, sharing a life, but I had no idea what that meant exactly.  I think I overdid it just a bit.  I wanted to go everywhere with him, do everything with him, like what he liked, dislike what he disliked, you get it.  Spending time alone with God was even hard for me.  I remember thinking, why am I sitting here, alone, in my bedroom when I could just go into the next room and talk about God with my husband.  Eeeeek, I think I just admitted to being terribly codependent.  You have no idea.  That’s a whole other blog…

For those of you that know my husband, you know that he is an extremely like-able person.  He’s very friendly.  He’s always positive.  He’s intelligent.  He’s not a complainer.  He knows how to make people feel comfortable. He’s very funny.  I am shy and introverted.  I am uncomfortable in new situations and around new people.  I hate big groups.  I do not like attention.  I have always been that person that you would introduce yourself to a dozen times, because you just don’t remember meeting me.  I’m a pretty low-key, under-the-radar kind of personality.  So you can see how easy it might be for the person I am to get lost in the person he is.

Now, please don’t think that I have low self-esteem, or that I am fishing for some encouraging words on my glowing personality.  I know I’m a cool person.  Why else would I have started a blog?

It’s just that at the beginning of our marriage, I really liked my husband a lot.  That came out wrong.  I’m not going to edit it.  What I mean is I had been me for the previous 24 years, and all of a sudden I found myself sharing a life with this incredibly cool person who was everything that I wasn’t.  I guess I was deliberately allowing myself to get lost in him.  (Deliberately lost? Ooooh, I am John Locke!)

Four plus years of marriage have gone by, and I can proudly tell you that I’m no longer lost.  Am I still terribly needy, wanting to go everywhere with Chris and do everything with him? Yes… But he loves 24, and I hate it.  He loves U2. Me, not so much. Did I want to go see Avatar with him a second time? No, definitely not.

God didn’t give Chris to me so that I could lose myself in him.  I know that God didn’t accidentally make me an introvert.  I know that I wasn’t just getting by with my weak personality until my husband came along.  I know who I am and I love who God has made me.  But I also see how God has made me better by uniting me with Chris, and likewise, he’s better because he’s with me.  (I tell him that often.)  We make sense.  We work well together.  We’re a unit.  If we were in a large social setting which made me uncomfortable, and someone said something to which I had a funny or witty comment, I would whisper my comment to my husband who would then repeat that comment out loud, getting the laugh for both of us.  Now that’s what marriage is all about people.  Beautiful, isn’t it?


7 thoughts on “LOST

  1. Becca…you should become a marriage counsellor. Or go around doing marriage retreats! This is great advice. I realize that it’s natural for people to change somewhat when they enter a new phase of life, however I’m always a little sad when one of my married friends completely changes and our conversations become centralized on “spouse, spouse, spouse”. Does my friend even exist anymore? Glad you found yourself again…

  2. This is so true…I mean I’m sure there are girls out there that are supremely independent, but not me. I was exactly the same way when Ted and I got married…went everywhere, did everything, breathed in unison…TOGETHER. Almost 7 years later I’m ok with him running to the grocery store or going out with a friend 🙂 But it’s true, there are all these cliches of what you should do and how you should act as a wife and when you get caught up in all of that it’s hard to remember who you were before you went to the altar. Nice to know I’m not the only one that feels/has felt this way. Thanks for that Becca!

  3. I’m thoroughly enjoying the blogs Becca! I was very much laughing aloud when you described how early in the marriage you wanted go where Chris went, do what he did and like even what he liked! I remember that phase well – it’s very freeing to find yourself again!

  4. Okay, I really, really liked this one! I really, really enjoyed your honesty! Awesome stuff. Thank you so much for sharing!

  5. Becca, I came across your site from Chris’ one. You made me laugh OUT loud with some tears. I’m still smiling and my cheeks are starting to hurt a little 🙂
    Thanks for sharing this. I’m not married or anything like that, but I can see how what you write about can happen. I like how you’ve resolved it or, you are resolving it. I love the part at the end about how you would say or whisper the witty comment to Chris and then he would say it out loud getting the laugh for both of you, I have a feeling I’ve seen that happen. It makes the laugh so much more fulfilling.
    Thanks, you guys make sense together. 😀 and you make a lot of sense!

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