Oh blogging, I missed you.
Truth is I kind of came to a standstill with this whole blogging thing once I started to think on all things I want to write about. I am realizing that if I’m gonna blog about marriage, and if I’m gonna talk about what I bring to my marriage, then I have to be and want to be honest. And that is frightening. Because truth is SOMETIMES ugly. At least my truth is.
The truth is that SOMETIMES marriage is hard, and SOMETIMES I really suck at being a spouse. And SOMETIMES it has nothing to do with what is actually going on between Chris and I that makes it hard, but the many relationships I’ve had with a hundred other people* which have somehow, in some way, big or small, impacted my marriage in a SOMETIMES negative way.
*To clarify, I am not necessarily talking about those kinds of relationships, although boy-I-was-dating-without-realizing-it and boy-who-I-was-mean-to-even-though-he-loved-me and boy-I-loved-but-never-told probably all have their places in my marriage schema- oh, schema is a fancy new psychology word I learned. Look it up.
So these relationships, they’re like a hundred small tributaries that flow into one river. Marriage. All relationships up to this point in your life meet here. SOMETIMES the waters of those tributaries are polluted, dirty, even poisoned. SOMETIMES they are healthy and vibrant and full of life. And what’s more is that SOMETIMES it’s not even a relationship you’ve had with a person that leaves the lasting effect. Maybe it was just one experience. A conversation. A instance. And that instance or conversation or relationship makes a mark on your heart and mind so that, inevitably, your marriage gets marked too. You see what I’m saying? The tributaries? The river?
Oh, if you don’t enjoy metaphors, and callbacks to metaphors, and also quotation marks and unnecessary capitalization, then you may not enjoy my blog.
Anyhow, what I’m realizing lately is that to talk about my view of marriage means talking about those people and instances that have left their mark, good or bad, on my marriage. And that’s the part I worry about. Because that’s where it gets kinda ugly.
Ok. I’m just going to say it: my parents are divorced. I was 18. It was painful. It SOMETIMES still is. I love them both very much. I even love my stepmother. (Even though the very nature of the word ‘stepmother’ is supposed to instill terror, doom and a general sense of evil -thanks Disney.) I guess I am afraid of hurting them all over again by talking about the effects of their divorce on me. Do they really need a reminder of how much it sucked? Do I really want to address this now more than 10 years later? Do I really want them to read about my feelings and issues on the world wide web? Did I really just say world wide web? Remember in 1994 when that’s what we called it?
Christians aren’t supposed to talk about the ‘d’ word. But for me, divorce is very real, very present, looming, always near. Like Santa. I have no reason to be thinking about it in the context of my own marriage, but *metaphor callback* it seems like the debris from the ‘divorce tributary’ is CONSTANTLY polluting my waters.
I totally know how the gulf of Mexico feels. Too soon?