The Great Betrayal

So I guess it happens a lot.

The great betrayal of the body.

It’s starts with that combination of joy and terror that only a pregnancy can bring. You take your vitamins, go to all your check ups, eat properly, cut out coffee and pop from your diet, don’t lift heavy things. You allow your body to be taken over by this half pound being. You vomit. Your head aches. Your back aches. Sleep comes in half hour increments only, as there is no way to be comfortable with a person dancing on your insides. Your feet and ankles swell. You bear a slight resemblance to the marshmallow monster from Ghostbusters.

And then the labour. The first waves of contractions that sweep over your midsection. You feel like your spine is trying to be burst open from the inside. The ice chips, the breathing exercises, that stupid birthing ball. The begging and pleading for the pain to stop. The drugs…. gets a little foggy after that but there is a blissful nap around this point 🙂 Then the pushing. And there he was.

And then your body, which has brought you so far, has done numerous miraculous things through all of this, suddenly turns on you. Your emotions go haywire. The chemicals and hormones in your system decide not to do their part anymore. After all the preparation, the 10 months of being held hostage in your own body, your reward is not to delight in your newborn baby but to wonder if there’s been a terrible mistake and this baby is not in fact yours. Because if it were truly yours, surely you would feel something. Something. Anything.

I don’t like to think of it often. It’s hard to write. It’s hard to talk about. Sure, I’ve told enough people about my post-partum depression, but I usually leave out this bit: I did not like my son. I did not enjoy him. There were moments and nights and days when I did not want him.

In just over a week my baby boy will turn one. 12 months later, it feels like he’s been here with us all along. We are more complete because of him. More of a family. I’m more of a mom now because of him. Each of us are a little more of who we are supposed to be because he’s here.

He spent the first 3 months of his life fighting for my affection.

Well Liam, you fought. And you won. You are 100% a Mama’s Boy now.

Your floppy hair. Your big brown eyes. Your chunky thighs and your two little teeth. The way you laugh, the way you eat, the way you scream. The way you sway from side to side when you hear music, the way you clap your hands. The way mommy and daddy and have to wrestle you to the ground and basically sit on you in order to get a diaper on you.

I love everything about you.

So this blog is about marriage. I never wanted to have a parenting blog, there are lots of those out there. I’ve always been really intent on keeping this about marriage and relationships since I feel it’s important and overlooked. But over the next little while I will share about my ongoing post-partum experience. There’s a lot to share and it might be easier for me to do it in pieces rather than all at once.

And here’s my hubby’s post about his side of the story:

Comment, share, and wait for another post 🙂

Liam day 1


16 thoughts on “The Great Betrayal

  1. I am looking forward to reading more. Your honesty is refreshing and I look forward to opening up the discussion of depression- Especially with those who are in ministry or spouses of those in ministry. This conversation is a must and I’m proud to walk by your side as you share your journey! Love you to bits and am thankful for who you are! God knew what he was doing the day you were born!!!!!!

  2. Oh wow. Becca you opened up and shared a piece of your heart that I know so many will be able to relate to (even though this is a tough topic). Your story is going to touch the lives of many woman who struggle with this…or who may struggle with this in the future.
    May the Lord bless and guide you as you share your story bit by bit. I love you 🙂

  3. i’m glad you’re writing openly about this because it’s so important. i’m sorry that you went through that — and the fact you cared for him despite how you felt means that you’re the most amazing mom out there.

  4. Thanks for sharing. I can and I’m sure many others will relate. Not an easy thing to talk about, but thanks for having the courage to do so! Good to know we are not alone!

  5. Wow, I read your hubby’s blog too and I want to express how grateful I am to you both for sharing your experience with us. I am humbled and blessed…truly. You ministered to my heart in more ways than you could know.

  6. Sister! Ugh there really is freedom in just putting the truth out there isn’t there? I was proud of you then and am proud of you still.
    Will be sharing this often, people need to know they are not alone… Or crazy!
    And how exciting that Liam isn’t an alien after all 😉
    Love you Mecca Becca xo

  7. Thanks for taking this step Becca (and Chris). I pray and believe that healing and wholeness is brought through you and in you by this step of vulnerability. Also really appreciate what you are doing to dispel the shame and fear associated with emotional and mental health issues. Really and truly appreciate it. Thank you.

  8. Pingback: Marriage Blog: It’s Not Her Fault | Chris Chase's Blog

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