So during my post-partum funtime, when I wasn’t crying in my bed I was probably seething with rage. There’s just no winning when you’re around someone with post-partum. Ask my husband, he knows.
Here are some things that in my particular case only made matters worse:
“Awwww, did mommy pinch you?”
So sometimes older people, especially men, think its funny to accuse parents of abuse when their kids are crying. Happens a lot a church. Don’t avoid church, just avoid old men.
“What do you want me to do?”
I heard this often from hubby, and although he meant well he was always looking for the magic combination of directions he could follow to make it all go away. Sometimes it came from a place of frustration, sometimes from desperation. Each time I heard it made me feel more and more hopeless because I didn’t think there was anything that could be done by anyone to make me feel any different.
Facebook. Oh Facebook.
It is from the devil. When you’re in a bad place and you think you are the worst person ever and that your kids are better off without you, avoid Facebook. I had to block some people who were just too darn happy and productive and eager to update the world about it. You know those culprits: “Been up since 5 am and already made 6 pies, 2 lasagnas, sewed the kids some clothes and cleaned the house!” Or “Made my own organic ketchup today! Yay me!” If you, between November 2011 and February 2012, boasted any of your accomplishments online, it is highly likely that you have been moved to the “acquaintance” list of my Facebook. I’m sorry.
Second Baby Syndrome
When we found out we were having our first child we were elated. Like, screaming and crying in the middle of a parking lot happy. We were told that for us to have kids would be a long process of fertility treatments because I had something called hyperprolactinemia. I was scheduled to have an MRI and start seeing a specialist but just a couple of days before I decided to take a pregnancy test and there it was- the positive sign! So yeah, we were pretty happy. Everything was so exciting and new. I’m not sure how to say this without sounding like a terrible person, but I guess with all the other things I’ve said on this blog it won’t really matter. 🙂 I don’t think we had the same feeling with our second. During the pregnancy I was very sick, working full time, with a two year old to care for. Honestly? I was pretty miserable. And then when we brought Liam home I could not help but play the comparison game. Eliana was a great sleeper from the start. I never knew that new mom exhaustion with her because she let me sleep. Liam, not so much. He seemed fussier. He seemed hungrier. His cry seemed louder. Add to all of that the terrible guilt I felt believing I had ruined Ellie’s childhood (this is where the post-partum flags start popping up). She would never have her parents’ attention all to herself ever again…She would always have to share us…Our love would be divided… and then the crazy thoughts just snowballed from there.
Ok, I know this one is controversial. I tried with Liam… I really did. It was quite painful and he never stopped eating. So I had this alien baby stuck to me for hours on end. It wasn’t helping matters. I started to give him… formula. *Gasp* I did try both for a while and once I got on medication to help put my hormones back in check I stopped breastfeeding altogether. I felt horrible that I wasn’t connecting with my baby, then I felt horrible that I didn’t want to breastfeed, then I felt horrible for feeling horrible and needing medication. Vicious cycle I tell you. Around that time I read someone’s Facebook posting that said if you can breastfeed and choose not to you are selfish. Ouch. Thanks again Facebook*.
*Yes, I blame Facebook. Technically it was the poster who made the comment, but I just blame Facebook in general for making us feel like it’s ok to share exactly what’s on our minds at every moment of every day. Let’s keep it classy people.